Thursday, January 6, 2011

Vampire Knits

To while away those hours when the sun is out, what's a vampire to do?  There are just so many games of Boggle you  can play.  Knitting!  That's it.  Glad I thought of it.  Do I need needles or can I use bones?

No, no, I'm not making it up.  It's a real book (and actually it gave me an idea).

Do vampires get cold?  But this isn't really for vampires, who I've heard are not that fashion conscious.  It's for people who want to pretend to be vampires.  We've talked about this before here and I still don't get it.  Yes, I read Amanda Hocking's My Blood Approves and I still don't get it.

I don't watch much television because my throat gets irritated from shouting at the screen so often.  And I hate commercials.  (What's with AMC?  That used to be commercial free and now it's info-mercials and the 3 Stooges.  We PAY for cable or satellite and we still have commercials.)  But a while back I caught part of a documentary on people who love vampires.  There's a book to write "Women who Love Vampires and the Vampires who only love the right Blood Type" (These things write themselves!)  One quite attractive woman said that a human man could never live up to her desires in a companion the way a vampire could.

What kind of twisted psychology is this?

Please my audience of 9 year olds, come back in 10 years to read the rest--

I suppose it's the equivalent, in some very bizarre way, of men who are addicted to porn only wanting a relationship (?) with a porn-actress type woman.  What kind of woman is in a porn movie?  She never has the dishes to do or a job to get to or children, she is always available for sex.  You can tell that by that blank stare with the semi open mouth pout they all wear.  It's good they're wearing that because they wear precious little besides that.  So the perfect woman likes, nay loves, sex.  She doesn't have to love the man she's with, better if she didn't because there's a three-some in the wings.  She's a contortionist and perfectly toned.   When she's not having sex, she's working out at the gym in preparation for having sex.  In many ways, she's a body temperature blow up doll.  Perfect.  She fits all the requirements.

What are the qualifications for this perfect vampire...thing?  Apparently vampires altho they are far less than monogamous in regards to bloodsucking, they are emotionally the vampiric equivalent of Gorilla Glue.  They are capable of such depth of commitment and bonding, NASA is trying to use some of their juice to stick the heat tiles back on the shuttles.  There's something exciting about being in a relationship with a vampire, sort of like falling in love with Scott Peterson or the Menendez Brothers.  Sure they killed before but they won't kill you because you are perfect and they love you.

Maybe someone will come up with a 12 step program.  "Vlad Tepes, grant me the serenity to accept the vampire I cannot change, Change the vampire I can, And the ability to know the difference between the blood types that would really be bad for me."


Nicole MacDonald said...

eeeeeeekkkkk I am SO over the vampire craze. A little now and then was fine but they really did glut the market with them ;p I think the most common question I get about my now published fantasy (when I tell people bout it) is 'does it have vampires?' The question is always asked with a slight cringe *lol* happy to say NO!

The Arrival, on Amazon NOW!

The Hostess with the Mostest said...

Best of luck, Nicole. Please keep us posted on how it's doing.